The ends justify the means
by blowflylaura
Summary: Does it really matter what you do in order to get what you want?


_Just a little one-shot I came up with instead of doing uni work, apologies if the ending is a bit rushed but I wanted to get it up before I leave for the night. There's one swear word in it but that's it. Thank you for any previous comments, they all mean so much to me and make me write more stories. Hope you enjoy it _

If looks could kill I'd most certainly be dead right now.

I can feel eyes burning a hole in the back of my head and I don't even need to turn around to see who is staring at me. I know it's her. She's been staring at me since I walked into their home for one of his famous ideas, a double date dinner party.

Ryan's one of my work colleagues and one of my best friends and when he introduced me to her, I thought she was a complete bitch but after getting to know her, she's nothing of the sort. She actually told me that she only acted that way because she was afraid of my closeness with Ryan and she was scared that I wanted him. I was actually surprised that Ryan hadn't told her I was gay and if I was going to be interested in anybody than it would be her.

The more time I spent with her the more I fell for her and soon enough I realised that I had actually fallen for one on my best friend's girlfriend. Ryan and I had never once shared the same interest in girls but she was the exception to the rule.

It was at the Christmas party when we first kissed. Ryan had been busy with a work meeting and as a result couldn't come so I decided to keep her company. I actually didn't have an ulterior motive for staying with her, I genuinely enjoy her company. It was only when we said bye that I realised we were standing underneath mistletoe. She noticed it as well but neither of us moved, neither of us wanted to be the first person to take things to the next step.

Neither one us wanted to change our friendship into something more.

"_It's bad luck not to kiss." _Those had been the words I'd told her and I can't believe she bought it but next thing I knew her lips were on mine and I felt all the clichés, I saw fireworks and all that jazz. When she pulled away she grabbed me into a hug and whispered in my ear 'Merry Christmas Sian.' I didn't see her again for the next few weeks but the memories of that kiss stayed with me.

The first time we slept together, she blamed it on the alcohol. The second time, she blamed it on the row she'd had with Ryan. After that the excuses varied from she wanted comfort to she just wanted to have sex. Unbeknownst to Ryan, we've been sleeping together on and off for the past few months. There will come a time when Sophie says that we can't keep doing this and she will leave but a few days she will come back and everything will start again.

I have to wonder whether she feels anything for me.

Because I'm in love with her.

Anyway back to the present with her eyes still burning a hole in the back of my head. Ryan and Sophie have always thrown impromptu dinner parties, Ryan constantly wanting to demonstrate his cooking skills. I'd never been privy to one before, usually they were a chance to have a double date with another couple or a business meeting. But today I'm part of that double date. Ryan has set me up on a blind date and from Sophie's face; she hadn't been too impressed with the news.

On first appearances, Michelle isn't my usual type. She's a blonde and I've never really had a thing for blondes, brunettes are much more my type, brunettes with killer cobalt eyes. However, the more we've been speaking, the more I like her. She's sweet and funny, the perfect girl to bring home and meet the parents.

But I can't stop thinking about how she isn't Sophie.

When she talks, I can't help but notice that she doesn't use hand gestures like Sophie does. She doesn't furrow her eyebrows when she's confused and she doesn't laugh like Sophie.

But this is what I need.

I need a girl who isn't taken, a girl who's young, free and single. Somebody that I can have a future with.

When I was younger I used to have the image of a perfect family. My parents seemed happily married and everything seemed perfect. When I was younger that was what I decided I wanted. I wanted the perfect marriage; I wanted to marry my ideal person, the stereotypical tall, dark and handsome but a girl. Those were my hopes for the future.

I wanted to be like my parents.

When I was thirteen my dad had an affair and I learnt that their happy marriage hadn't been happy at all. They say nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, the happy neighbour could be constantly depressed in his own home but I actually lived behind those closed doors. I should have realised that my parents were living a lie; they were living a lie in order to protect me.

After my dad had the affair, my family's stability came crumbling down and my hopes of being like my parents disappeared.

However, I still wanted the perfect marriage. Now I wanted to succeed where my parents had failed. I wanted to have children and give them stability, I would never have an affair and neither would my wife. We would stay true to our vows and we wouldn't separate. As the vows say, till death us do part.

But life never turns out the way you want it to.

In fact it has a funny way of turning out exactly how you didn't want.

I saw the consequences of my father's affair and I swore I would never put anybody through that. Now I've become my own worst nightmare.

I suppose in a way I've not become my father because I'm not the one in a committed relationship, that's her. But I'm worse because I'm the other woman. I'm the person who is intervening in somebody else's relationship. One of my friends told me once never to interfere in another person's relationship but I couldn't help myself. When I first met her, I couldn't stay away. Ryan is her problem not mine, or at least that's what I tell myself but I know it's not true.

I look at Ryan and he has no idea what's going on in his relationship. He doesn't know that his girlfriend is being unfaithful with one of his best friends. Do I feel guilty? Yes. Do I let that stop me? No. See the thing with Sophie is, she's like my own personal heroin. I can't get enough of her. She is my addiction. I've seen the way Ryan looks at her and I know he is besotted with her, he is totally and utterly devoted to her and I know he'd do anything for her.

When I see him look at her, a sudden surge of guilt floods my body.

If he ever found out about us, it would destroy him.

I turn my head as Michelle calls my name and I realise that the starter is ready. I let Michelle take my hand and lead me to the table, taking the seat next to her. I never wanted to have an affair, never wanted to cause somebody that pain but maybe it's not too late to change. Maybe I can end things with Sophie and focus on Michelle.

I mean from the way she's been staring at me all night, I'm pretty sure she fancies me. I'm sure that after tonight things would progress with her if that was what I wanted. Okay so she's not as beautiful as Sophie and I don't blush when she stares at me, nor do I get goosebumps when she touches me but that doesn't mean I won't in future. I mean I could fall in love with her if I gave myself the option.

But every fibre in my body is telling me not to do it because she's not Sophie and that's who I want.

"So how does everybody like the food?" Ryan's question broke the eerie silence which had filled the dining room. "I wasn't sure how everybody felt about sea food but if I do say so myself, I think it's exquisite."

I took a sip of my wine to wash away the taste of prawns. I've never liked prawns, in fact I hated them. They were just one of those foods that no matter what you'll never like them. But I was brought up with manners and I was told to always be polite. "They were lovely Ryan." I placed my cutlery on my empty plate. I suppose I could have just told him I didn't like them but I've always thought that considering how much effort they've put into cooking; the least you can do is eat what is put in front of you.

"Excellent." Ryan's smile grew wider before he directed the same question to Michelle.

She dabbed the corners of her mouth with her napkin. "Fantastic, I have a special liking for prawns."

Sophie muttered a quiet yes in agreement when Ryan looked at her. "I'll go check on the beef." He stood from the table before stopping momentarily. "Anyone want some more wine?"

Sophie's yes was louder this time and Ryan and I both looked at her suspiciously. She wasn't acting like her normal-self tonight. Ryan nodded anyway and poured her another glass before fetching another bottle for the table.

"So Sian, how long have you known Ryan?" Michelle turned to look at me as she asked her question, her hand finding a home on my thigh.

The gesture was supposed to be affectionate and I knew that but I couldn't help thinking her hand didn't belong there. Still, I didn't move it.

"We've been working at the same law firm for four years but only really about two years ago." I replied politely.

"Brains and beauty." Michelle commented. "Isn't she a catch Sophie?" There was a certain something in Michelle's voice but I couldn't put my finger on it.

Sophie raised her head at the sound of her name. She glanced at Michelle briefly before staring at me. She raked her eyes over me slowly before turning her attention back to Michelle. "Yeah." She took a sip of her wine. "She really is." The second part of her statement was quieter but I heard it.

I tried to pay attention to Michelle as she talked to me about her work and family but I was too focused on Sophie. I watched her from the corner of my eye as she finished her glass of wine before pouring another one. Clearly she had a plan to get drunk tonight. I've always been terrified that when she's drunk, she'll confess everything to Ryan. I really don't want to lose him as friend.

I know what you're thinking, if I didn't want to lose him, if I truly valued him as a friend I wouldn't be sleeping with his girlfriend but I can't help myself. I can't help but imagine that maybe Sophie is the one for me and she's living her life with the wrong person.

"Hope you're all hungry." Ryan walked back into the dining room with an apron that said kiss the chef carrying two plates. He placed one in front of Sophie before kissing the top of her head and one in front of me.

He may host dinner parties to prove how good at cooking he is but it is justifiable. He can cook. The roast beef melts in the mouth and the roast potatoes have been cooked perfectly. He smiled proudly as he took his seat.

"So how are you two getting on?" Subtlety had never been Ryan's strong suit.

"Like a house of fire." Michelle answered quickly. "Sian's lovely." She sent a small smile my way which I returned gratefully.

"You make a cute couple." It was Sophie's turn to perk up now and it wasn't hard to spot that she was drunk. "Whatever happened to that girl from last week Sian?"

My eyes widened slightly at her comment. She knows that she's the only girl in my life at the moment, was she jealous? "I don't know what girl you mean."

Sophie quirked her eyebrows. "What you don't even get their names anymore?" I stole a glance at Michelle who was watching our interaction with curiosity. "Just sleep with them and leave, that's your mantra right?"

Ryan swallowed heavily before pointing to the beef on his plate. "I hope I haven't overcooked this, I wasn't sure how people liked their beef."

His comment floated into insignificance as my eyes moved to Michelle. "I don't know what she's talking about."

Sophie laughed out loud and caused all eyes to be on her once more. "Come on Sian, don't deny it. You should embrace the fact that you can get any girl you want." Sophie drank some more wine before bringing her attention to Michelle. "You're just another girl in a long line of one night stands. She'll fuck you and leave you."

Michelle blushed slightly before coughing awkwardly, her eyes falling to her food which she nervously pushed around her plate. "I don't have one night stands." I supplied quietly. Michelle nodded her head but continued to play with her food.

"Is that what you tell them all?" Sophie's words were becoming more and more slurred as she drank more wine. "You tell them they're more than a one-night stand and then you never call them back."

I grabbed her glass of wine and moved it away from her. "I think you've had enough for one night."

Ryan cleared his throat. "I have to agree, what's gotten into you Soph?" His voice was soft and he was genuinely confused at her behaviour.

"So I can't have a drink anymore without people thinking something's wrong?" She asked incredulously. "I was just making conversation."

"Conversation which isn't really appropriate for a meal." Ryan suggested before clearing the plates. Mine and Sophie's food had barely been touched, Michelle's had been merely pushed to the sides and even Ryan's wasn't empty. "How about I go get the dessert and we can forget this happened?"

"Sounds like a plan to me." I voiced my agreement and didn't fail to notice Sophie shaking her head in the background. "What do you think?" I asked Michelle softly, I didn't want to upset her and I certainly didn't want her to be upset by lies. She was a nice person who had been asked by Ryan to be my blind date; she didn't deserve to be upset.

She nodded slowly. "I'm just going to freshen up." She asked Ryan where the bathroom was before disappearing. Ryan quickly followed suit and disappeared into the kitchen.

"What the hell are you playing at?" I growled the words at her.

She scoffed. "Me? You're the one flirting with her right in front of me. She's had her hand on your thigh all night."

"Oh I'm sorry, am I not allowed to flirt with her? Because in case you've forgotten, I'm not the one in a relationship." I bit back. "I'm not the one who's cheating on their partner in this scenario."

"Well you're certainly part of it."

I opened my mouth to throw an angry comment back at her before I realised something. "Are you jealous?"

Her eyes snapped up from the table. "What?"

"You are aren't you?" I said proudly. "You're jealous that I'm showing an interest in somebody else or is it become somebody else is showing an interest in me?"

"I'm not jealous." She said quickly. "You can do what you want, like you said, you're not in a relationship."

"So if she came back to mine tonight, you wouldn't be bothered?"

The question was left unanswered as Michelle and Ryan both reappeared. "Tiramisu." Ryan placed the bowls in front of everybody. This course everybody ate their food in silence, the awkwardness of what had happened only a few minutes before still lingering.

I placed my hand on Michelle's thigh comfortingly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She shrugged my hand off her thigh before directing her attention towards Ryan. "That was excellent Ryan, you really know your way around a kitchen."

He smiled at her acknowledgement of his cooking achievements. "Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm sorry for Sophie."

"Don't apologise for me." Sophie hissed at her boyfriend. "And don't talk about me like I'm not here."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "I think we'd be hard-pressed to act as if you're not here." He said. "You've certainly made your presence known."

"Oh grow up Ryan." She shouted angrily before standing up. "I'm sorry I ruined your precious little dinner party." She looked at Michelle and me. "I'm sorry I ruined your blind date as well, I'm sure you'll be very happy together."

"Sophie!" Ryan stood up as well. "Where are you going?"

Sophie waved her hand at him, ignoring his question before walking out of the front door making the atmosphere even tenser.

"I have to say this hasn't been one of my finest dinner parties." Ryan said with a hint of sadness. "I do apologise."

It was Michelle who spoke first. "Don't worry about it; it's not your fault that your girlfriend can't handle her drink."

I felt a surge of anger flow through me as Michelle badmouthed Sophie. My Sophie. "You don't know her." It was said with a bit more ferocity than I would have liked.

Michelle raised her eyebrows at me but didn't say anything. Her eyes were penetrating me and I felt uncomfortable under her intense gaze.

"I would offer you a nightcap but I'm going to have to go look for Sophie." Ryan said apologetically. "Can't have her wandering around at night on her own."

"That's okay; I have an early start tomorrow." Michelle stood and walked towards her coat which was hanging up in the hallway. I quickly followed her.

"What Sophie said about my reputation, it isn't true." I stated. "I'm sorry if it upset you."

Michelle shrugged her coat over her shoulders. "You're sleeping with her aren't you?"

My mouth hung open at her blunt accusation. "What?"

"Her performance in there, her anger directed at me, it was blatant jealousy." She explained, fastening the buttons on her coat. "So you're either sleeping with her or you used to be."

I tried to think of a lie, a way to deny the accusation but no words were formed. "I'm sorry."

She shrugged her shoulders. "It's not your fault. You're not the one who set up this blind date." She fiddled with her bag before pulling out her keys. "She loves you, it's obvious." She said. "And you love her. You wouldn't have fought her corner if you didn't."

Ryan popped his head around the corner. "Does anybody need a lift before I look for Sophie?"

"That would be great thank you Ryan." Michelle said sweetly.

He nodded before looking at me. "I drove here."

He nodded once more. "I'll just go get my car keys."

"You won't tell him will you?"

Michelle looked at me, a small smile threatening to appear on her lips. "It's not my place but he needs to know, especially because I don't think it's just sex between you both." I nodded and muttered a small thank you. "It was nice meeting you Sian. It's been interesting to say the least."

"Yeah." I laughed slightly before following her out of the flat.

"You know you should go find her." I turned around at the sound of her voice. "I'm going to guess she wants to see you more."

I nodded my head in understanding before shouting a quick bye to Ryan and walking into outside the building. The cold air hit me hard in the face as I pulled my coat closer to my body to try and create some warmth. I could see my breath as I walked towards my car and my fingers were already turning red. I checked my phone as soon as I was in the comfort and warmth of my own car, hoping to have something from Sophie. A missed call or a text, anything but there was nothing there.

There was only place I could think of as to where she might be. Switching the engine on I drove back towards my flat, hoping that she'd be there.

Walking towards my building, I noticed the light on in my flat and I breathed a sigh of relief. That must be Sophie. She's the only person that has a key to my flat and I doubt a burglar would turn the light on because surely that destroys the point of trying to burgle a flat.

Never the less, I was cagey as I opened my door before seeing a familiar figure sitting on the couch, her head buried in her hands. I closed the door a little louder than normal signalling my presence in the flat. Her head immediately flew up at the sound. She sent a small smile my way.

"Ryan's out looking for you." I threw my keys on the kitchen counter. "He's worried about you, although I can't say I blame him after the way you acted tonight."

"I'll apologise to him tomorrow."

"Are you going to apologise to me?" Sophie looked up at the question but didn't answer. "Going to take that as a no then."

Sophie sighed heavily before standing up. "I'm sorry for ruining your chances with Michelle." She tried to keep her voice level but I heard the jealousy seep through. She may try and deny it but her jealousy is seeping out of her pores right now and it's not hard to see.

"You know me Soph, I can work my way out of any awkward situation." I replied cockily.

She bit her bottom lip nervously. "So you're going to see her again." Her voice sounded so fragile that I knew the prospect of me dating Michelle hurt her.

"No." I answered quickly. "And before you ask yes it is because of you." She ducked her head almost in shame at the statement. "I wanted to make sure she was okay, make sure she wasn't upset by your comments and you know what she said to me?"

"What?"

"She asked me…actually told would be a better description. She told me that we were sleeping together." I explained as Sophie's eyes widened. "Clearly I wasn't the only one who noticed you were jealous."

"She's not going to tell Ryan is she?"

"No." I walked towards her and sat down beside her. "What were you playing at Sophie?"

She shook her shoulders briefly. "I just couldn't stand the way she was looking at you, how she was touching you. I'm the only one that should be allowed to do that."

"You don't think I feel that way every time I see you with Ryan?" I asked. "I'm the other woman here Sophie."

"I know." She mumbled quietly.

"Maybe we should end this."

Sophie's head snapped up quickly. "What? Why?" She asked hurried. "Because of tonight? I really am sorry Sian, I know you're not who I described, I know you don't do one-night stands."

"It's not because of tonight." I confirmed. "I swore I would never destroy somebody's relationship yet that is exactly what I'm doing. I just feel so guilty whenever I see Ryan." I said. "He's a good person Sophie, he doesn't deserve this."

Sophie stood up quickly. "You don't think I know that?" She asked incredulously. "You don't think I feel guilty? I feel unbelievably guilty whenever I'm with him. I wish that we weren't in this predicament." She was shouting the words. "God I wish I'd never fallen for you. Everything would be so much simpler if I didn't feel like this."

Truthfully I didn't hear the last thing she said because my mouth was currently hanging open. Did she really just say she loved me?

"You love me?" I asked quietly.

She stopped pacing and blinked furiously. "What?"

"You just said you wish you'd never fallen for me." I repeated her earlier statement.

I watched as recognition glazed past her eyes. "I…it just slipped out."

"So what, you didn't mean it?"

Sophie rested her hand against her forehead before taking a deep breath. "Do you really think I'd have acted the way I did tonight if I didn't love you?"

I walked towards her and grabbed her hands, entwining our fingers. "Say it."

She looked me directly in the eyes and I could see the fear in her eyes. She was scared of saying those three little words and I couldn't blame her. For the past few months all we've been doing is having sex and we both knew that but if those words enter the equation then everything changes. It isn't just sex, not any more. Feelings are involved and that complicates this situation a hell of a lot more.

"I can't." Her words were so quiet I had to strain my ears to hear her.

"Why not?"

"Because it makes this real." She said gesturing between the pair of us. "If I say it, then there's no going back. This won't be some meaningless affair; it will become so much more Sian. We'll hurt Ryan even more."

"So we're just going to continue doing this and ignore the fact that we both have feelings for each other?" I queried, watching her eyebrows quirk as I mentioned that I had feelings for her too. "Because I'm sorry Soph but that doesn't wash with me."

"What do you want from me Sian?"

"I want you to be honest."

"Alright I can do that." She shouted the words at me. "Ever since we kissed under that mistletoe I cannot stop thinking about you. The first time we had sex, I knew what I was doing. I know I blamed it on the alcohol but that wasn't true. I wanted you Sian; I want you in every possible way. I want to be the one who makes you laugh, the one you come to when you're upset and the one you come home to. I am terrified because when I met Ryan I thought that was it, I thought he was the one and then you come into my life and ruin everything I thought was real. I am so in love with you that I'm scared you're going to get fed up of being the other woman and break things off and I can't lose you Sian." The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now. "I just can't."

I wrapped my arms around her instinctively and held her close, soothing her softly. When I asked her to be honest I wasn't expecting that but I'm glad she opened up to me. "You're not going to lose me."

She sniffed slightly. "You could have anybody you want Sian, you don't need to be the other woman."

I cupped her cheeks and made sure she was staring at me. "I don't want anybody else. I love you Sophie." I brought our lips together briefly before resting my forehead against hers. "You're it for me."

"I don't deserve you."

"Probably not." I replied playfully earning a gentle slap on my arm from Sophie. "I'm not going anywhere Sophie. I mean I'll admit I've thought about it." Sophie looked at me with wide eyes. "I've thought about how much easier it would be if I wasn't the other woman, if I actually dated somebody who was single but then I wouldn't have you and I'd rather that than anything else."

"Do you mean that?"

"Yes." I pecked the tip of her nose. "I want to be with Sophie, in every way you mentioned."

"I want that too." She replied softly.

"I'm here Sophie, however long it takes for you to be mine, I'm here." I said sternly. "I'm not going anywhere."

That night we fell asleep in each other's arms after talking about everything, what she'd tell Ryan, what I'd tell Ryan, what the first thing we'd do when we were a fully-fledged couple would be. She left early the next morning explaining that she had to tell Ryan and she had to do it now. She promised that she would be right back.

That was two years ago and we're still going strong. We're actually getting married in a couple of months, I popped the question on our first anniversary and she didn't even hesitate before saying yes. Needless to say Ryan didn't take the news of our affair very well. To say he was furious would be an understatement but his reaction was to be expected. He's still in our lives, granted we're not as close as we used to be but seeing how happy we were together helped him grasp the concept of losing Sophie a little better. Our friendship is slowly being rebuilt. He still speaks to Sophie but I don't think they'll ever be firm friends.

Sometimes when I wake up before Sophie, I watch her sleep and think of how things could have been so different. If I had stuck to my guns and stopped the affair, I wouldn't be getting married to my soul mate.

I used to think that having an affair was the worst thing in the world and it was unfathomable to even contemplate having one but then again if I hadn't become the other woman, I wouldn't be with Sophie.

That being said, is it right to hurt others in order to get what you want?

Niccolo Machiavelli once said that the ends justify the means and we all know the phrase 'all's fair in love and war' but are those statements justifiable? I regret hurting Ryan and I will never forgive my father for having an affair but surely that makes me a hypocrite. I can't forgive my father for cheating but I'm effectively guilty of the same thing.

In order to have Sophie I became my own worst nightmare and if I'm capable of becoming that once, who's to say I won't do that again. Who's to say Sophie won't cheat again?

I mean they do say once a cheat always a cheat.

What if that's true?


End file.
